I Met This Guy On Line...

Some of my thoughts on women dating through the scene personals (Another re-post some of my friends may recognize).

I heard another one to add to my list this weekend – to a list that already includes "e-mail," "afternoon," and "discrete," we'll add "I don't have a phone." What's this a list of? How about euphemisms for "I'm married."

If you get tangled up with a ring-finger fink, as I call them, someone who's married or involved but not admitting it, about all that you can tell yourself is that it wasn't you who did anything wrong, it was him, entirely.

Just because a person places a personal ad, or places one on the internet, or places one on a "scene" message board, doesn't mean that she's given up her right to – well, to anything. You, my loyal reader, are very probably a good person – certainly a good, probably great person to the right partner - and you deserve someone who treats you well!

I don't mean this as a lecture – like I said, you've done nothing wrong – and hopefully if you find yourself in this situation without wanting to be you can get out of it pretty quickly, but I do know of one woman who went on for a long time without knowing that the man with whom she thought she was building a long-term (if very long-distance) relationship was married. I would never criticize someone for being too trusting, too hopeful, even too naïve – but I do think people should get into things with their eyes – and ears – open.

Okay, I just read "He's Just Not That Into You" which might go a little overboard, but let me approach it like this: I've been a single guy, truly looking for a relationship, like many women say they are. I was not afraid that some woman would "stalk" me or "out" me to anyone – especially since I only had one relationship going at any one time. Guys shouldn't be, and shouldn't claim to be, worried about "stalkers" – maybe they're annoying but a guy is not really going to be in any physical danger.

If I was going to play with a woman, she deserved my name, address, license plate (okay, it's a vanity plate, and cute), home phone number, and at least some insight into my personality. We could meet in public places even in my hometown. She always knew when it was convenient to call and when it was less convenient but there were never "forbidden" times for any reason. The only reason a guy has to forbid you to call is so that his wife or girlfriend doesn't answer, overhear, or ask who he's talking to. I have kids and when they're around they understand that sometimes, believe it or not, Dad gets a phone call.

***

break for funny story –

When I was first getting to know Cat, this other woman practically was stalking me – she wasn't in the scene and I gave her very little encouragement, but she was an expert – she'd arrange for a group of us to get together and then everyone would seem to be paired up except the two of us; she'd want to get together for a casual meal; she needed help studying for a new computer program at work (and then showed up with a fancy take-out dinner). So we're working on some material on a Wednesday night, she wants to take a break (she's not exactly a workaholic) and my pager goes off at nine at night. I go into the bedroom and make a call – to Cat – and she's flying into LAX, two hours away. I come out of the bedroom, hint for 15 minutes, and finally say, well, I need you to go.

She's one of these people who challenge things she doesn't want to hear, making you either lie or reassure her (as in "Are you telling me I'm fat?") so she says "What, do you have a date?" Usually I'm pretty blunt with these people but I don't even remember what I said – very possibly, "Well, yes."

I got back home in time to put on a clean shirt for work.

Stalker-girl still didn't get the message until the time we were in the living room and Cat came out of my bedroom with a rolling suitcase. That pretty much did it.

***

Back on track here: secondly, I had a strong desire to get with and/ or be with the woman I was seeing – I had the kids every second weekend so if we were going to see each other on those weekends then it had to be at my place and without playing but otherwise I was always looking for a chance to get together. I made crazy weekday dinner dates two hours away that got me home at ridiculous hours, offered to combine a vacation day with a three-day weekend to fly across the country on no notice, and tried to add a weekend to a business trip to be able to afford to visit a woman who was otherwise too far away. I missed the occasional trip to the gym, I arranged not to work late, I skipped a trip to the bar with friends – sometimes just to be on the phone for hours.

I have to admit that at the time these women almost always had a nicer living space than I did – that's just the law of averages considering my hovel overlooking the Pit of Doom Annex – so I visited them, but if they did come to my place I didn't hesitate to introduce them to my friends, kids, or colleagues, or tell my colleagues that I was seeing someone. And I never hesitated to meet her friends. These are the things a relationship is about. It didn't take months of planning to arrange a weekend together, even cross-country – yes, something might interfere now and then, but not consistently for, say, six weeks.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the absolute very least you deserve from someone you're playing with – if the two of you claim to be interested in a relationship. If he limits you to e-mails and chat, he needs silence and secrecy. If he limits when you can call, he's afraid of who might be around – and we're not talking about his mother – or he shares his answering machine with someone he doesn't want to know about you. If he has huge time commitments when he can't have you around, that's a bad sign – why shouldn't you go to his kid's soccer practice with him? If all his vacation time and holidays are already spoken for, someone in his life is a lot more important than you are. Classes, volunteer work, working out, working late – frequently legitimate excuses but all things that can be cut back once the two of you want to spend more time together. After all, his real reason for doing a lot of these things was to consume his time until he met someone like you.

Ladies, I've heard of women running ads and getting buried in responses – of course maybe that's just the ones I hear about, and I'm sure a cute picture helps. But just because you want a guy who's into spanking doesn't mean you have to lower your standards, you just have to increase the radius of your search a little – and believe me, an internet ad certainly does that! I have answered ads from all over the country – how we were going to work the distance thing I don't know, but I was ready to try! And sometimes it doesn't work – sometimes the person who's right for you isn't the type to answer personal ads, which makes it harder, I admit.

So guys, be honest – you're not going to get away with very much for very long anyway. Yes, you can victimize some poor woman once in a while – is this the kind of thing you want on your conscience? To get to spank a woman one time? If you're that desperate, get a divorce.

And ladies, be honest with yourselves as well. He's telling you a lot, whether he puts it into words or not. If you just want some guy who'll smack your bottom because you need it and you don't care that his heart is elsewhere, there're plenty of us out here. But if you want the guy who's right for you who also enjoys putting you over his knee, he'll treat you like he ought to and you'll know it – and there's plenty of "hims" out there as well!

And by the way, I'd recommend that if you want to be into the whole spanking scene and not already in a relationship, it's easier to find someone who's also into the scene along with being right for you, rather than trying to add the scene to a vanilla relationship. Just my experience, your results may vary...