Saying "No"

One more of many interesting experiences from this last ShadowLane party – the experience of trying to say no. I’m sure more than a few women can recite my pontifications of giving a nice, direct, no-excuses “no” to a guy they don’t want to play with. And I’m sure when I’m on my soapbox I make it sound like I think it’s easy – though I know it’s not. Now I’m not saying that this was at all the same situation, but I did get a first-hand example of how hard it can be to say no, especially to say no very directly.

We were at a party Sunday afternoon down at Danny’s and he had quite a nice crowd gathered, including several people I didn’t know. This surprised me a little because I’m used to having gotten used to seeing most everyone by then – obviously I wasn’t paying enough attention Saturday at the banquet.

One woman I didn’t recognize was over between the bed and the bathroom – tall, fashionably short blonde hair, business suit, chunky heels – and she was already tall. Okay, I admit, I had a good idea that she was a top but as attractive as she was I figured I could let her tell me that. Oh, and the big F/M party had just gotten out, so that sort of underscored my impression.

I am not good at initiating one-on-one conversations – I know it’s hard for a lot of people, and I’m one of them – but I did manage to get her name and ascertain that she was having a good time or some such lame thing. We drifted toward the door of the suite – and the munchies – and she introduced me to her husband (I was not surprised) and he was likewise tall, attractive, mid-thirties, Texan. I congratulated their Longhorns for beating us in the Rose Bowl but they weren't big college football fans.

Never one to give up, I contrived to be in her area a little later and somehow managed to say something that allowed my to segue appropriately into “Are you interested in playing?” and – as I could have predicted, and with perfect control, she responded “Are you?”

So, okay, I’m not stupid, I have this situation pretty completely figured out, so I say, “Well, are you a bottom?” and as I’d expect, she says “No – do you bottom?”

Okay, let me explain that first, I have a tremendous weakness for attractive women; second, I try to be complimentary and supportive of everyone whenever possible; and third, I have not only respect but admiration for the woman tops I have met (more on that in another post someday, maybe soon). So, in short, saying no to this lovely lady was not something that came easily to me – in fact, in this case it did not come at all.

“Or not in public?” she offered as my mouth moved with no reasonable speech coming out. What I was thinking was “how do I say very definitely “no” without rejecting how she plays or who she is as a person?” Now you can say, don’t be silly, people understand – but I was operating on 4 hours of sleep for every 20 hours of super-high-pitched erotic excitement – times three or four by now.

“Or not...” Honestly, I forget what other excuse/offer she provided me with. By this time I did manage to say “Ah, no.” I did manage to save a little face because some attractive young woman was trying to drag me off to some other party emergency which, of course, was of no consequence.

So like I said, this was in no way like a woman trying to tell one man no while keeping herself open to approaches by other men – in this case I was clearly declining her mode of play and not the woman herself. But even so I did realize how difficult it is. (And I might mention that, naturally, as a guy top I don’t have a lot of experience saying “no” except in answer to “Aren’t you going to stop?” or “That’ll be okay, wouldn’t it?”)

Afterward, of course, all the best responses occurred to me, like “You make it a very attractive offer, but no, I don’t;” or “Well, no, I don’t, but if I ever do, I’ll be sure to check back with you,” so maybe next time I’ll be a little better prepared.

I was telling one woman about this and she asked “So you haven’t ever been spanked?” and I felt it only fair to explain – I have switched, some, with some – not even all – of the women I’ve been in long-term relationships with – which I guess, strictly speaking, was one reason I was hesitant to answer “Do you?” with a flat-out “no,” without adding a disclaimer like the guy at the end of the TV ads for McDonald’s new Monopoly game:

“Your chance of winning varies with participation. Contestants must agree to living arrangements and work out personality issues, if any. My right to the left side of the bed is non-negotiable. No purchase is necessary to win and does not affect your chance of winning. Offer is void where prohibited and in Puritanical states and states of mind or elsewhere if illegal, taxed, licensed, or freakishly abnormal, although highly immoral or just downright kinky is still okay.”