A friend of mine, a wonderful toppy lady who occasionally finds her wonderfully toned little bottom over my knee, was mentioning that she wanted to provide some help to women who were trying to switch from bottoms to tops. I had often thought that an essay on some of the differences between the Martian and Vesuvian personalities, as they've become known, would be helpful in giving women some insight on the male perspective. However, that essay, or series, has not come together very far to date and in lieu of those, I am going to comment on leadership. Some aspects of leadership work very well for tops and I think it could be very effective for a woman to adopt some of these behaviors when she is, for want of a better phrase, "in the role" of a top.
If you're a lady wanting to be more toppy in your play – or, more likely, asked to take on the top role occasionally, you're likely to need to, somewhat ironically, adopt some of the behaviors you have teased your partner about in the past. If these behaviors are too foreign to you you'll want to revert to your natural personality as soon as your scene is over, but for the duration of the scene, you'll want to act in certain ways as your normally-toppy partner does naturally (this is why I recommend that a scene have a fixed length, be it two hours or a three-day weekend). The Big Three are Rules, Orders, and Decisions. And who knows? You may even enjoy, briefly, being on the other side of Rule Number 1, which we all know is, "The Top is always right, the bottom is Always spanked."
(Quick disclaimer here – none of this stuff is terribly original, though nothing is directly plagiarized. Let's just say I based it on "undocumented research.")
Moving past "The Top makes the rules," let's take a less definite situation, such as a group of peers and look at the leader-to-be, or leader-wannabe, who we've all experienced at some point in our life. How does the leader-wannabe try to take control of the peer group? First, the leader-wannbe knows the rules, the Top knows the rules. The Top may choose to point out breaches in the rules, or not – but the Top is always aware of them. Rules are how non-leaders dictate the actions of others – and selective use of the rules is how they direct others into following their wishes.
"The Rules" extends past guidelines for behavior to encompass things like procedures, rituals, and, most importantly, schedules. Cat calls me "Mr. Schedule" because I have a schedule for everything (at least in my head), I'm aware of the time (which she is not), and I have things planned out. A leader-wannabe is acutely aware of the schedule, which was set by someone in control, and the Top sets and follows the schedule. Being a Top is about control, and schedules are the harness with which a Top controls time. With which you control time.
Now in order to have a schedule you will need to have a plan, which requires some forethought – but as a Top you're putting in a lot of forethought anyway. I personally feel that input from the bottom should be provided as long before or after a scene as possible, and negotiations or directions during a scene should be kept to a minimum. As a Top, you want to be prepared – and once you're prepared it's easy to develop expectations of how things will play out which – viola – becomes your schedule.
Similarly, you will need to be able to exactly remember any procedures and rituals. If the bottom is expected to dress a certain way or position themselves a certain way, to recite certain things, use proper forms of address, etc. you will have to catch any deviations. And, depending on how you play and how much it gets into more of a D/s scene, you might have procedures for cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, hygiene, sexual attention, or basically whatever. These are easiest to remember if 1) they are highly specific and 2) you determined them yourself. If you decide you prefer to be called Ms. Patricia instead of Goddess, it's going to be very simple to pick up on any slips (plus you'll get your kitchen cleaned the right way).
None of this means that you have to do it without assistance. If you want to make your man memorize some feminist dreck, you don't have to memorize it, too – you can just read along. Anything you might have trouble remembering, write it down – this controls it all the more, makes it all the more specific, precise and rigid.
Since I'm writing to switches, I'm not going to discuss things like excuses for forgetting which, if you're feeling merciful, can be ignored, even though it's a pretty clear sign that previous "memory helpers" were either insufficient or have lapsed in their effectiveness.
Let's proceed to Item Number 2, then maybe I can come back and pull it all together. The leader-wannabe further simulates control by telling others what they are supposed to do now, even (or especially) when they were going to do it anyway. This certainly reduces the chance of being contradicted! As a Top, this will also allow you to create a (partial) illusion of control – telling your partner to shower, or dress, or get themselves or the two of you a snack – even plopping them down in front of the TV while you do something else, like shower, dress, or get yourself or the two of you a snack.
It's okay if you preface all these directives with "Why don't you..." or "How about if you..." – I do that all the time, to avoid intimidating or antagonizing people. In your Top role, however, you'll want to make it clear that that's just a speech mannerism, not an invitation for discussion.
In addition to orders about everyday activities, it's most effective to be very specific – where do you want your bottom and how – bent over, kneeling, on the couch – where? "On the bed, underwear at mid-thigh, head there, knees there" is a very toppy-sounding directive, as well as "We're going to see "Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – put on your striped boxers, jeans, and your thick brown belt." In the Advanced Class, we'll have you making him change or remove said boxers in front of you.
Topic number three is Decisions. You can tell from Topics 1 and 2 that you've made a lot of decisions already, and now it's time to make the rest of them – yes, all of them. And I hate to tell you, but you, as the Top, are responsible – fully responsible – for all of them, even the wrong ones. Brats always think the rule is "The Top is never wrong." That's not exactly right. The real rule is, "The Top knows this is the best they can do."
This, ultimately, is what the Top provides (besides swats) – responsibility. The bottom is free from worry about what will happen, what they will have to do, if things go wrong. The Top chooses an action, proceeds with it, and deals with the outcome (by making another choice). The bottom's just there to be spanked whether things go right or wrong.
This is not to say that the Top makes choices in a vacuum. The Top may decide "We'll go grab some Chinese food at 6 PM" but only because you knows that your partner likes, or at least tolerates, Chinese food and you scheduled lunch at 12. You may decide to use the cane last because it's hardest on the bottom's skin, or choose to dress the bottom up like a schoolgirl because you know that's what your partner enjoys.
Here's the secret to making decisions: "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" stinks, even if you're a woman, so when you get back someone's going to have to be spanked. And it's not going to be you, is it? You chose it because you thought you'd enjoy it (and because you wanted to torture your partner). How were you supposed to know? Reviews aren't always right. The price of having someone else to decide is allowing them to make mistakes. That spoon left huge purple bruises, a lot of them, all over? They fade, next time you'll know and decide whether to do it again or not. Neighbors overheard you playing in the garage? Face up to them, shun them, or lie – you can't take it back now, the only way is forward.
(I just have to throw in here that I have a few really surprising stories about taking responsibility, much too long and mundane for this space.)
The Top is always answering the questions "What are we doing and when are we doing it?" You may or may not answer "Why are we doing that (now)?" or "Why are we doing that that way?" But the first two decisions are what you provide as a Top, what you relieve the bottom of – the decisions of what, when, and exactly how.
I felt like if I started with this statement it would intimidate people and they would stop reading, while now I hope that it's a lot easier to absorb: The Top develops a desired vision of the future and proceeds to create that future. After accepting a lot of input, You will choose what You want to happen during a scene and then You will play out that scene as, or pretty much as, You intended. You will enjoy it and your partner will love it.
Okay, here's the post-script from my friend who reviewed this: she wants me to be sure to point out that, while these tips may be helpful in acting out a scene your partner will appreciate, a woman needs to pursue her own erotic pleasure from being on top, having her partner's buns, as well as everything else, at her disposal. While the full charge and flow of eroticism and energy may not happen the first time a woman tops, it is what she should strive for as scenes progress.
If you're a lady wanting to be more toppy in your play – or, more likely, asked to take on the top role occasionally, you're likely to need to, somewhat ironically, adopt some of the behaviors you have teased your partner about in the past. If these behaviors are too foreign to you you'll want to revert to your natural personality as soon as your scene is over, but for the duration of the scene, you'll want to act in certain ways as your normally-toppy partner does naturally (this is why I recommend that a scene have a fixed length, be it two hours or a three-day weekend). The Big Three are Rules, Orders, and Decisions. And who knows? You may even enjoy, briefly, being on the other side of Rule Number 1, which we all know is, "The Top is always right, the bottom is Always spanked."
(Quick disclaimer here – none of this stuff is terribly original, though nothing is directly plagiarized. Let's just say I based it on "undocumented research.")
Moving past "The Top makes the rules," let's take a less definite situation, such as a group of peers and look at the leader-to-be, or leader-wannabe, who we've all experienced at some point in our life. How does the leader-wannabe try to take control of the peer group? First, the leader-wannbe knows the rules, the Top knows the rules. The Top may choose to point out breaches in the rules, or not – but the Top is always aware of them. Rules are how non-leaders dictate the actions of others – and selective use of the rules is how they direct others into following their wishes.
"The Rules" extends past guidelines for behavior to encompass things like procedures, rituals, and, most importantly, schedules. Cat calls me "Mr. Schedule" because I have a schedule for everything (at least in my head), I'm aware of the time (which she is not), and I have things planned out. A leader-wannabe is acutely aware of the schedule, which was set by someone in control, and the Top sets and follows the schedule. Being a Top is about control, and schedules are the harness with which a Top controls time. With which you control time.
Now in order to have a schedule you will need to have a plan, which requires some forethought – but as a Top you're putting in a lot of forethought anyway. I personally feel that input from the bottom should be provided as long before or after a scene as possible, and negotiations or directions during a scene should be kept to a minimum. As a Top, you want to be prepared – and once you're prepared it's easy to develop expectations of how things will play out which – viola – becomes your schedule.
Similarly, you will need to be able to exactly remember any procedures and rituals. If the bottom is expected to dress a certain way or position themselves a certain way, to recite certain things, use proper forms of address, etc. you will have to catch any deviations. And, depending on how you play and how much it gets into more of a D/s scene, you might have procedures for cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, hygiene, sexual attention, or basically whatever. These are easiest to remember if 1) they are highly specific and 2) you determined them yourself. If you decide you prefer to be called Ms. Patricia instead of Goddess, it's going to be very simple to pick up on any slips (plus you'll get your kitchen cleaned the right way).
None of this means that you have to do it without assistance. If you want to make your man memorize some feminist dreck, you don't have to memorize it, too – you can just read along. Anything you might have trouble remembering, write it down – this controls it all the more, makes it all the more specific, precise and rigid.
Since I'm writing to switches, I'm not going to discuss things like excuses for forgetting which, if you're feeling merciful, can be ignored, even though it's a pretty clear sign that previous "memory helpers" were either insufficient or have lapsed in their effectiveness.
Let's proceed to Item Number 2, then maybe I can come back and pull it all together. The leader-wannabe further simulates control by telling others what they are supposed to do now, even (or especially) when they were going to do it anyway. This certainly reduces the chance of being contradicted! As a Top, this will also allow you to create a (partial) illusion of control – telling your partner to shower, or dress, or get themselves or the two of you a snack – even plopping them down in front of the TV while you do something else, like shower, dress, or get yourself or the two of you a snack.
It's okay if you preface all these directives with "Why don't you..." or "How about if you..." – I do that all the time, to avoid intimidating or antagonizing people. In your Top role, however, you'll want to make it clear that that's just a speech mannerism, not an invitation for discussion.
In addition to orders about everyday activities, it's most effective to be very specific – where do you want your bottom and how – bent over, kneeling, on the couch – where? "On the bed, underwear at mid-thigh, head there, knees there" is a very toppy-sounding directive, as well as "We're going to see "Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – put on your striped boxers, jeans, and your thick brown belt." In the Advanced Class, we'll have you making him change or remove said boxers in front of you.
Topic number three is Decisions. You can tell from Topics 1 and 2 that you've made a lot of decisions already, and now it's time to make the rest of them – yes, all of them. And I hate to tell you, but you, as the Top, are responsible – fully responsible – for all of them, even the wrong ones. Brats always think the rule is "The Top is never wrong." That's not exactly right. The real rule is, "The Top knows this is the best they can do."
This, ultimately, is what the Top provides (besides swats) – responsibility. The bottom is free from worry about what will happen, what they will have to do, if things go wrong. The Top chooses an action, proceeds with it, and deals with the outcome (by making another choice). The bottom's just there to be spanked whether things go right or wrong.
This is not to say that the Top makes choices in a vacuum. The Top may decide "We'll go grab some Chinese food at 6 PM" but only because you knows that your partner likes, or at least tolerates, Chinese food and you scheduled lunch at 12. You may decide to use the cane last because it's hardest on the bottom's skin, or choose to dress the bottom up like a schoolgirl because you know that's what your partner enjoys.
Here's the secret to making decisions: "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" stinks, even if you're a woman, so when you get back someone's going to have to be spanked. And it's not going to be you, is it? You chose it because you thought you'd enjoy it (and because you wanted to torture your partner). How were you supposed to know? Reviews aren't always right. The price of having someone else to decide is allowing them to make mistakes. That spoon left huge purple bruises, a lot of them, all over? They fade, next time you'll know and decide whether to do it again or not. Neighbors overheard you playing in the garage? Face up to them, shun them, or lie – you can't take it back now, the only way is forward.
(I just have to throw in here that I have a few really surprising stories about taking responsibility, much too long and mundane for this space.)
The Top is always answering the questions "What are we doing and when are we doing it?" You may or may not answer "Why are we doing that (now)?" or "Why are we doing that that way?" But the first two decisions are what you provide as a Top, what you relieve the bottom of – the decisions of what, when, and exactly how.
I felt like if I started with this statement it would intimidate people and they would stop reading, while now I hope that it's a lot easier to absorb: The Top develops a desired vision of the future and proceeds to create that future. After accepting a lot of input, You will choose what You want to happen during a scene and then You will play out that scene as, or pretty much as, You intended. You will enjoy it and your partner will love it.
Okay, here's the post-script from my friend who reviewed this: she wants me to be sure to point out that, while these tips may be helpful in acting out a scene your partner will appreciate, a woman needs to pursue her own erotic pleasure from being on top, having her partner's buns, as well as everything else, at her disposal. While the full charge and flow of eroticism and energy may not happen the first time a woman tops, it is what she should strive for as scenes progress.
2 comments:
I can see you are quite well-versed in all things spanking! I could a learn a lot from you, no doubt.
cheers
dave
Considering the level of your experience, what if the unexpected happened? Is there anything you can contemplate that you would not know how to respond to?
Post a Comment