One more of many interesting experiences from this last ShadowLane party – the experience of trying to say no. I’m sure more than a few women can recite my pontifications of giving a nice, direct, no-excuses “no” to a guy they don’t want to play with. And I’m sure when I’m on my soapbox I make it sound like I think it’s easy – though I know it’s not. Now I’m not saying that this was at all the same situation, but I did get a first-hand example of how hard it can be to say no, especially to say no very directly.
We were at a party Sunday afternoon down at Danny’s and he had quite a nice crowd gathered, including several people I didn’t know. This surprised me a little because I’m used to having gotten used to seeing most everyone by then – obviously I wasn’t paying enough attention Saturday at the banquet.
One woman I didn’t recognize was over between the bed and the bathroom – tall, fashionably short blonde hair, business suit, chunky heels – and she was already tall. Okay, I admit, I had a good idea that she was a top but as attractive as she was I figured I could let her tell me that. Oh, and the big F/M party had just gotten out, so that sort of underscored my impression.
I am not good at initiating one-on-one conversations – I know it’s hard for a lot of people, and I’m one of them – but I did manage to get her name and ascertain that she was having a good time or some such lame thing. We drifted toward the door of the suite – and the munchies – and she introduced me to her husband (I was not surprised) and he was likewise tall, attractive, mid-thirties, Texan. I congratulated their Longhorns for beating us in the Rose Bowl but they weren't big college football fans.
Never one to give up, I contrived to be in her area a little later and somehow managed to say something that allowed my to segue appropriately into “Are you interested in playing?” and – as I could have predicted, and with perfect control, she responded “Are you?”
So, okay, I’m not stupid, I have this situation pretty completely figured out, so I say, “Well, are you a bottom?” and as I’d expect, she says “No – do you bottom?”
Okay, let me explain that first, I have a tremendous weakness for attractive women; second, I try to be complimentary and supportive of everyone whenever possible; and third, I have not only respect but admiration for the woman tops I have met (more on that in another post someday, maybe soon). So, in short, saying no to this lovely lady was not something that came easily to me – in fact, in this case it did not come at all.
“Or not in public?” she offered as my mouth moved with no reasonable speech coming out. What I was thinking was “how do I say very definitely “no” without rejecting how she plays or who she is as a person?” Now you can say, don’t be silly, people understand – but I was operating on 4 hours of sleep for every 20 hours of super-high-pitched erotic excitement – times three or four by now.
“Or not...” Honestly, I forget what other excuse/offer she provided me with. By this time I did manage to say “Ah, no.” I did manage to save a little face because some attractive young woman was trying to drag me off to some other party emergency which, of course, was of no consequence.
So like I said, this was in no way like a woman trying to tell one man no while keeping herself open to approaches by other men – in this case I was clearly declining her mode of play and not the woman herself. But even so I did realize how difficult it is. (And I might mention that, naturally, as a guy top I don’t have a lot of experience saying “no” except in answer to “Aren’t you going to stop?” or “That’ll be okay, wouldn’t it?”)
Afterward, of course, all the best responses occurred to me, like “You make it a very attractive offer, but no, I don’t;” or “Well, no, I don’t, but if I ever do, I’ll be sure to check back with you,” so maybe next time I’ll be a little better prepared.
I was telling one woman about this and she asked “So you haven’t ever been spanked?” and I felt it only fair to explain – I have switched, some, with some – not even all – of the women I’ve been in long-term relationships with – which I guess, strictly speaking, was one reason I was hesitant to answer “Do you?” with a flat-out “no,” without adding a disclaimer like the guy at the end of the TV ads for McDonald’s new Monopoly game:
“Your chance of winning varies with participation. Contestants must agree to living arrangements and work out personality issues, if any. My right to the left side of the bed is non-negotiable. No purchase is necessary to win and does not affect your chance of winning. Offer is void where prohibited and in Puritanical states and states of mind or elsewhere if illegal, taxed, licensed, or freakishly abnormal, although highly immoral or just downright kinky is still okay.”
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
My Stories
So here's something I'm actually pretty pumped about – after a lot of years of wanting to I have finally arranged to get some of my stories on-line. I never did work out getting my own website and I don't really want to use the one provided by my ISP, so I've put them up on Blogger. They're at Matt Anglen's Spanking Stories.
Over the past few years, with the thoughts of posting, publishing, or otherwise getting my stories read, I got them all pretty well organized into volumes, and made a table of contents describing the earlier ones and all, then printed off some booklets for my friends. One book is pure fiction and then the rest are in chronological order. The first ones were easy because everything had been prepared to be posted somewhere, which I did back in 1998-2000. Somewhere after that, however, I had a lot of works that weren't quite in publishable form and an awful lot more that was in pretty bad shape – imbedded in e-mails and all. But I did eventually extract about half of this and organize it as well.
Of my best, organized stuff I have about 100 stories. Mostly all by me, with influences of my partners or sometimes written by them influenced by me. But in any case, I'm sure reading 100 of my stories, if anyone ever tried it, would be like reading 100 Agatha Christies – even if you like them it gets old fast. So what I decided to do was make a "permanent" and "rotating" collection. I picked about 20 stories that I thought best represented my oeuvre to have up all the time and then I'm going to put up 6-12 stories for a month apiece. Then after a year I'm going to start over. I know better than to commit to write so much as a single good story between now and then – sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.
So it was sort of funny, trying to choose these 20 stories – basically because I wanted to choose 50, and maybe I should have posted all 50 of the better ones and just left them up, because I do really like about half of them and have gotten really positive feedback on them. But I cut it down to 22 or something and I'll spread the remaining best ones out over the coming months. Something else that was funny was looking at the dates – my most prolific time was 1995 – 2002 and then I have three recent stories that I think turned out well. All the time I've been living with Cat, however – what happened there? Well, what really happened was that I've been trying to put together a novel, and write chapters, with minimal success. But any writing I have been doing, I've tried to fit it into one of the frameworks I had in mind, making the individual pieces less suitable as a stand-alone story. Third, my earliest stuff is a lot more vulgar than the recent works, even discussing the same situations – because prior to 1998 or so, stories were basically targeted at men buying printed erotica, so that was the only model I knew, while once I got on-line, I discovered a female audience that appreciated a little more discretion.
Another interesting thing (to me), though, was re-reading some of these stories. Some are written to be funny, some are written to catch a particular feeling from a particular moment, but a lot of them are largely written to be hot, and they are, if I do say so myself. In other words, I was a little surprised how hot I still found them to be, after having had them around for years.
Anyway, you shouldn't even be reading this, you should be over there, reading those – so I won't keep you – but I hope you enjoy them!
Over the past few years, with the thoughts of posting, publishing, or otherwise getting my stories read, I got them all pretty well organized into volumes, and made a table of contents describing the earlier ones and all, then printed off some booklets for my friends. One book is pure fiction and then the rest are in chronological order. The first ones were easy because everything had been prepared to be posted somewhere, which I did back in 1998-2000. Somewhere after that, however, I had a lot of works that weren't quite in publishable form and an awful lot more that was in pretty bad shape – imbedded in e-mails and all. But I did eventually extract about half of this and organize it as well.
Of my best, organized stuff I have about 100 stories. Mostly all by me, with influences of my partners or sometimes written by them influenced by me. But in any case, I'm sure reading 100 of my stories, if anyone ever tried it, would be like reading 100 Agatha Christies – even if you like them it gets old fast. So what I decided to do was make a "permanent" and "rotating" collection. I picked about 20 stories that I thought best represented my oeuvre to have up all the time and then I'm going to put up 6-12 stories for a month apiece. Then after a year I'm going to start over. I know better than to commit to write so much as a single good story between now and then – sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.
So it was sort of funny, trying to choose these 20 stories – basically because I wanted to choose 50, and maybe I should have posted all 50 of the better ones and just left them up, because I do really like about half of them and have gotten really positive feedback on them. But I cut it down to 22 or something and I'll spread the remaining best ones out over the coming months. Something else that was funny was looking at the dates – my most prolific time was 1995 – 2002 and then I have three recent stories that I think turned out well. All the time I've been living with Cat, however – what happened there? Well, what really happened was that I've been trying to put together a novel, and write chapters, with minimal success. But any writing I have been doing, I've tried to fit it into one of the frameworks I had in mind, making the individual pieces less suitable as a stand-alone story. Third, my earliest stuff is a lot more vulgar than the recent works, even discussing the same situations – because prior to 1998 or so, stories were basically targeted at men buying printed erotica, so that was the only model I knew, while once I got on-line, I discovered a female audience that appreciated a little more discretion.
Another interesting thing (to me), though, was re-reading some of these stories. Some are written to be funny, some are written to catch a particular feeling from a particular moment, but a lot of them are largely written to be hot, and they are, if I do say so myself. In other words, I was a little surprised how hot I still found them to be, after having had them around for years.
Anyway, you shouldn't even be reading this, you should be over there, reading those – so I won't keep you – but I hope you enjoy them!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
An Ideal Fourteen Inches
Not as an endowment, of course – my God! Other than visually, perhaps, would a woman have a use for a man that big? Let's just say that I don't know, obviously...
No, what fourteen inches is ideal for, it seems, is good over-the-knee spanking implements, at least for me. As they get shorter they tend to lose effectiveness in that, basically, it seems like my hand gets in the way and I fear that I'm striking as much with my knuckles as my toy. If they get longer, they get harder to control – at least that's the first problem. Fourteen inches for otk seems just right. (Just right for me, Cat likes a twelve-inch limit for toys she uses otk).
This determination does become important, actually. You may be thinking it'd be best to just try something out and see, or hold it in your hand and guess, either one of which would work fine. Where this leads to trouble, though, is when I purchase a lot of "pervertibles" on-line, with little more than the seller's description of it.
Pervertibles, says David Stein, are everyday objects converted to nefarious purposes, primarily for spanking and BDSM. Hairbrushes, belts, and wooden spoons – and I have literally dozens of each – are high on the list of spanking toys, while other objects might be for restraint or touch/sensation play. I suppose a feather duster isn't a pervertible when used on your lover, unless you tie them up first, possibly with pantyhose...
And let's just say I have a lot of pervertibles, having gone through a stage of collecting – or merely accumulating – them, with a lot of help from E-bay and internet shopping. Most of these objects cost literally a dollar or so, definitely under five – plus five to seven dollars for shipping. Now, a dollar I can waste, I'll just buy one less bottle of water – but eight or ten gets a little steep.
Hairbrushes don't range up to fourteen inches, and I have a very short, very thick one that is very popular, but it's an exception. The better ones might make nine inches and normally I find less than eight a little disappointing. I ordered a maple "cookie paddle" which I believe was listed at about seven inches and looked quite promising but really arrived seeming more like six-and-a-half and, while cute, is not useful like I had hoped.
Cooking spoons are the ones where this really comes into play. I've seen some lovely spoons advertised made of great woods and supporting wonderful causes, but they're only eight inches long, which for a spoon is too short. The magic of a spoon, besides the fact that it lives in plain sight, is that the length and speed makes up for the low weight. Once again, we have a beautiful one (from a shop on Venice Beach) that's ten inches and lacks a lot of persuasiveness.
The "other" reason fourteen inches is ideal, however, is because of the "other" pervertible. One year as a safety award the now-defunct company I worked for gave out briefcase-style carry-alls. I usually find these awards to be useless, but keep them anyway, and in this case I'm glad I did. Besides numerous zippered compartments on the outside which I have yet to use, the bag has three large zippered sections. The first section is divided as if for files, perfect for separating paddles. The second section has interior zippered pockets – I used to keep my thumbcuffs in there (note, thumbcuffs do not qualify as a pervertible) and is a good big pocket for a large pile of smackers. Then there's a third pocket which is expandable (and always stuffed, it seems) where I mostly keep restraints and sensation toys, soft stuff and lotions, plus sometimes nice objects that I don't want scratched.
Longer toys can get folded or rolled and put in there but I've found that I don't really like to do this – they often come out bent or curled. And despite what we learned in geometry, the diagonal on this case is barely longer than the legal-sized width, so angling toys seldom helps.
I had a second victory when I was packing for an overnight trip. I don't really have a suitable small bag for my clothes and things – the next one up is a full-sized suitcase. However, this suitcase is about 15" x 24" inside, so I can perfectly fit the toy bag on one half and have the other half for clothes and shaving stuff. Along the top I run all the longer toys that I don't want rolled or folded – a strap that doubles to 18 inches, a shoehorn, backscratcher, and short looped cane, Cat's favorite narrow "Ladies' Strap," my own long narrow stinging strap, a faux birch, rubber loopy, paintstick, rawhide lace flogger and the like. Oh by the way, over half of which are pervertibles.
Maybe I can put up some pictures – with all the time I've put into pervertibles, I ought to be able to get a few posts out of it.
No, what fourteen inches is ideal for, it seems, is good over-the-knee spanking implements, at least for me. As they get shorter they tend to lose effectiveness in that, basically, it seems like my hand gets in the way and I fear that I'm striking as much with my knuckles as my toy. If they get longer, they get harder to control – at least that's the first problem. Fourteen inches for otk seems just right. (Just right for me, Cat likes a twelve-inch limit for toys she uses otk).
This determination does become important, actually. You may be thinking it'd be best to just try something out and see, or hold it in your hand and guess, either one of which would work fine. Where this leads to trouble, though, is when I purchase a lot of "pervertibles" on-line, with little more than the seller's description of it.
Pervertibles, says David Stein, are everyday objects converted to nefarious purposes, primarily for spanking and BDSM. Hairbrushes, belts, and wooden spoons – and I have literally dozens of each – are high on the list of spanking toys, while other objects might be for restraint or touch/sensation play. I suppose a feather duster isn't a pervertible when used on your lover, unless you tie them up first, possibly with pantyhose...
And let's just say I have a lot of pervertibles, having gone through a stage of collecting – or merely accumulating – them, with a lot of help from E-bay and internet shopping. Most of these objects cost literally a dollar or so, definitely under five – plus five to seven dollars for shipping. Now, a dollar I can waste, I'll just buy one less bottle of water – but eight or ten gets a little steep.
Hairbrushes don't range up to fourteen inches, and I have a very short, very thick one that is very popular, but it's an exception. The better ones might make nine inches and normally I find less than eight a little disappointing. I ordered a maple "cookie paddle" which I believe was listed at about seven inches and looked quite promising but really arrived seeming more like six-and-a-half and, while cute, is not useful like I had hoped.
Cooking spoons are the ones where this really comes into play. I've seen some lovely spoons advertised made of great woods and supporting wonderful causes, but they're only eight inches long, which for a spoon is too short. The magic of a spoon, besides the fact that it lives in plain sight, is that the length and speed makes up for the low weight. Once again, we have a beautiful one (from a shop on Venice Beach) that's ten inches and lacks a lot of persuasiveness.
The "other" reason fourteen inches is ideal, however, is because of the "other" pervertible. One year as a safety award the now-defunct company I worked for gave out briefcase-style carry-alls. I usually find these awards to be useless, but keep them anyway, and in this case I'm glad I did. Besides numerous zippered compartments on the outside which I have yet to use, the bag has three large zippered sections. The first section is divided as if for files, perfect for separating paddles. The second section has interior zippered pockets – I used to keep my thumbcuffs in there (note, thumbcuffs do not qualify as a pervertible) and is a good big pocket for a large pile of smackers. Then there's a third pocket which is expandable (and always stuffed, it seems) where I mostly keep restraints and sensation toys, soft stuff and lotions, plus sometimes nice objects that I don't want scratched.
Longer toys can get folded or rolled and put in there but I've found that I don't really like to do this – they often come out bent or curled. And despite what we learned in geometry, the diagonal on this case is barely longer than the legal-sized width, so angling toys seldom helps.
I had a second victory when I was packing for an overnight trip. I don't really have a suitable small bag for my clothes and things – the next one up is a full-sized suitcase. However, this suitcase is about 15" x 24" inside, so I can perfectly fit the toy bag on one half and have the other half for clothes and shaving stuff. Along the top I run all the longer toys that I don't want rolled or folded – a strap that doubles to 18 inches, a shoehorn, backscratcher, and short looped cane, Cat's favorite narrow "Ladies' Strap," my own long narrow stinging strap, a faux birch, rubber loopy, paintstick, rawhide lace flogger and the like. Oh by the way, over half of which are pervertibles.
Maybe I can put up some pictures – with all the time I've put into pervertibles, I ought to be able to get a few posts out of it.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Carry On!
Okay, I promised something a bit lighter this time:
Carry On!
Has anyone tried to get on a plane lately? I think a lot of the security panic is passe, and now these guards / inspectors / whatever are just plain bored, nosey, and looking to hassle paying customers. Case in point - I try to board with a perfectly harmless carry-on, it’s a normal size, it can easily be stowed in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me. And what do I get? First it’s x-rayed, then grabbed off the conveyor by a woman wanting to search it by hand. Of course, the search is optional - I can always walk to JFK, if I’d prefer.
“You don’t have any checked luggage, sir?” Unaccustomed as I am to this mode of address, she must mean me.
“No, just this.”
“I see....”
“Is there a problem?”
“You don’t have any shirts with a collar,” she points out. Somehow, this sartorial faux pas has her at a loss.
“Vacation, you know,” I explain politely.
“But you have four neckties.” Forty thousand airport workers, I get a budding Agatha Christie. “You could tie up a flight attendant.”
“Mmmm. Been known to happen.” Not the response she was looking for. Better not joke around too much. “I wear them as a belt.”
“But you have a belt. Four, in fact. A brown one...” Yes, my thick wide western-style belt. “Two black...” One elegant, one casual... “And a red one?” Her eyebrow arches into her bangs.
“That’s a leash.”
“I see,” she repeats, and what she sees is my hairbrush. Holding it dangerously, she stares pointedly at my head. Hey, I'm not bald! Of course, the bristles are longer than my hair is...
Choosing her battles, she retreats, and returns the hairbrush to its rightful place. “Only one of these gloves?” Now she’s come up with a thin leather glove, right-handed.
“Yes. It’s for golf. Or - baseball? Maybe weightlifting.” Stick to the vacation motif, I tell myself.
“One plastic coat hanger,” she continues. There appears to be a pattern.
“For my bowling shirt,” I supply cheerfully.
“And it looks like someone lost a sandal,” she informs me helpfully, holding up one woman’s sandal - straight, flat, wood, rubber soled, and mateless.
“Yes - I’ll bet she regrets it already.” I look full at her, challenging her to challenge me.
Before she has the chance to do so, the gate agent stalks over.
“Tanya, is he clear or not? I want to close the door and go have a smoke.”
“He’s alright,” Ms. Backpack Cop concedes.
“Then stop being a brat and let him on the plane.” If it weren’t for nicotine, I’d probably still be there, discussing the brands of lotion I’m carrying. Yes, I need all six.
Grudgingly, she repacks my carry-on.
“You’ve made a wise choice, young lady,” I reassure her, but she doesn’t seem mollified.
“You’re all set,” she declares, glaring at me one last time. I return her look expectantly. “Sir.” She slides my pack gingerly across the table, as if it might bite her. Always a chance, I suppose. “Have a good flight.”
“Have a good stay,” I offer with a smile.
“Oh and sir?” It’s easy once you get used to saying it. It’s my turn to arch an eyebrow. “Round-trip ticket?”
“Sunday night return. Are they searching the outgoing passengers these days?” Even with the Fourth of July warnings, that seems excessive.
“New policy, maybe. Just a precaution. I’ll see you get through.”
Carry On!
Has anyone tried to get on a plane lately? I think a lot of the security panic is passe, and now these guards / inspectors / whatever are just plain bored, nosey, and looking to hassle paying customers. Case in point - I try to board with a perfectly harmless carry-on, it’s a normal size, it can easily be stowed in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me. And what do I get? First it’s x-rayed, then grabbed off the conveyor by a woman wanting to search it by hand. Of course, the search is optional - I can always walk to JFK, if I’d prefer.
“You don’t have any checked luggage, sir?” Unaccustomed as I am to this mode of address, she must mean me.
“No, just this.”
“I see....”
“Is there a problem?”
“You don’t have any shirts with a collar,” she points out. Somehow, this sartorial faux pas has her at a loss.
“Vacation, you know,” I explain politely.
“But you have four neckties.” Forty thousand airport workers, I get a budding Agatha Christie. “You could tie up a flight attendant.”
“Mmmm. Been known to happen.” Not the response she was looking for. Better not joke around too much. “I wear them as a belt.”
“But you have a belt. Four, in fact. A brown one...” Yes, my thick wide western-style belt. “Two black...” One elegant, one casual... “And a red one?” Her eyebrow arches into her bangs.
“That’s a leash.”
“I see,” she repeats, and what she sees is my hairbrush. Holding it dangerously, she stares pointedly at my head. Hey, I'm not bald! Of course, the bristles are longer than my hair is...
Choosing her battles, she retreats, and returns the hairbrush to its rightful place. “Only one of these gloves?” Now she’s come up with a thin leather glove, right-handed.
“Yes. It’s for golf. Or - baseball? Maybe weightlifting.” Stick to the vacation motif, I tell myself.
“One plastic coat hanger,” she continues. There appears to be a pattern.
“For my bowling shirt,” I supply cheerfully.
“And it looks like someone lost a sandal,” she informs me helpfully, holding up one woman’s sandal - straight, flat, wood, rubber soled, and mateless.
“Yes - I’ll bet she regrets it already.” I look full at her, challenging her to challenge me.
Before she has the chance to do so, the gate agent stalks over.
“Tanya, is he clear or not? I want to close the door and go have a smoke.”
“He’s alright,” Ms. Backpack Cop concedes.
“Then stop being a brat and let him on the plane.” If it weren’t for nicotine, I’d probably still be there, discussing the brands of lotion I’m carrying. Yes, I need all six.
Grudgingly, she repacks my carry-on.
“You’ve made a wise choice, young lady,” I reassure her, but she doesn’t seem mollified.
“You’re all set,” she declares, glaring at me one last time. I return her look expectantly. “Sir.” She slides my pack gingerly across the table, as if it might bite her. Always a chance, I suppose. “Have a good flight.”
“Have a good stay,” I offer with a smile.
“Oh and sir?” It’s easy once you get used to saying it. It’s my turn to arch an eyebrow. “Round-trip ticket?”
“Sunday night return. Are they searching the outgoing passengers these days?” Even with the Fourth of July warnings, that seems excessive.
“New policy, maybe. Just a precaution. I’ll see you get through.”
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Perspective on Power
So I’m always a little concerned, in writing for this blog, I know I have a lot of readers already (thanks everybody!) but also that a lot of my friends are reading it and they have heard me say a lot of these things before, sometimes many times before. But I do want to get these things written down somewhere so this is a good place to do it...
One thing my friends have heard – I do some (very) minor acting, just enough that I have a working knowledge of theater and video, along with directing and believe me, no matter how small-time it is, there is no such thing as “minor” directing. And I’ve had some interesting auditioning experiences and learned a few things from that which I hope to post about sometime. But one thing that stands out, as far as acting goes, is that I am always cast as the villain. I mean, like always. The worst case was when I was offered a role of a 70-year-old villainous judge when there were three other, better roles needing to be filled that were age-appropriate (apart from the lead which I really wanted but it went to a very well-suited actor). When I turned it down the actor they got was in his early 60’s, at least.
I’ve demonstrated a decent enough range of acting skills and usually get very good reviews so it has always seemed to me that I ought to be offered some different parts. Now recently I auditioned for a Woody Allen role which was essentially Woody Allen playing himself and I must admit the guy they got did an excellent job – I would have had trouble exhibiting that overall incompetence for everyday life. So, disappointing but understandable.
Seeming change of subject here – I write a lot of fiction. You haven’t seen it since I don’t seem to finish a lot of it, though I’m thinking about a “companion” blog where I’d post my stories, mostly older stories. In any case, I almost always write from the bottom’s point of view. While I have two male-bottom pieces which, like I said, I haven’t finished (in one the gender was intended to be ambiguous but my native sexuality can through pretty clearly), that pretty much means that I’m writing with the main character being a woman. In fact, this has confused some people at some time, if my pen name is not gender-specific. I am aware of the reason I do this, it’s because, or mostly because, I’m not comfortable, usually, writing about how I topped a woman and especially not comfortable writing a string of stories about how I topped women, which may be why my party reports often never get finished.
I was having a vanilla discussion on script-writing and I was pointing out that the movie (or whatever) always sympathizes with the weaker character – or at least weaker most of the way through the movie, since they always end up on top. This is no huge realization. And I credit that to the fact that the viewer always relates to the weaker character, no matter how powerful the viewer actually is. A humorous take on this is the cell phone commercial where the president/ owner of the cell phone company talks to some young guy about “sticking it to The Man.” YG reminds him “but you ARE the man.” No matter, he relates to NOT being The Man.
Almost universally the character is the person not in power – the entire story is driven by the protagonist being blocked from what they want. This is because the audience does not feel in control. And this explains why I’m always cast as the villain, despite the frequent age disparities – because I come across as being in control in normal life, and this is emphasized on stage. I move with purpose, I probably stand up too straight and am too stiff; I speak clearly and loudly (less so for camera work) and I have a bad habit of, when I enunciate I clip my words, which sounds hostile – or certainly forceful. (Actually, it is fascinating to sit down and try to determine what exactly you need to do differently to portray a character much different from yourself). In fact, this realization is going to do me a lot of good since now I’ll find villain roles I like and audition for those.
It also helps explain why I, along with everyone else, am not satisfied with stories of unmitigated success (well, a certain number of real-life tales can be very interesting and entertaining) – so if I’m going to write any of these they should focus on the obstacles overcome, I suppose. I tried to think of what type of stories do have strong male leads, like action flicks, and I have played around some with a powerful private detective who, like an action hero, is opposed by many forces of evil (this bunch is humorous, okay?).
What’s unusual about this realization coming so late is that I tried stand-up comedy for awhile, and I have always known that the funniest target of a joke is yourself, and the best way to ruin a joke is with a smirky “I got the best in the end” twist. So why it took so long to realize this explicitly for fiction writing is something of a mystery, apart from my absolute absence of formal training.
Even while I’m writing this I’m imagining readers saying – comedy? that’s a joke, right? because my writing sounds so serious which is not how I am in person at all. So I guess the next post will have to be a little lighter.
One thing my friends have heard – I do some (very) minor acting, just enough that I have a working knowledge of theater and video, along with directing and believe me, no matter how small-time it is, there is no such thing as “minor” directing. And I’ve had some interesting auditioning experiences and learned a few things from that which I hope to post about sometime. But one thing that stands out, as far as acting goes, is that I am always cast as the villain. I mean, like always. The worst case was when I was offered a role of a 70-year-old villainous judge when there were three other, better roles needing to be filled that were age-appropriate (apart from the lead which I really wanted but it went to a very well-suited actor). When I turned it down the actor they got was in his early 60’s, at least.
I’ve demonstrated a decent enough range of acting skills and usually get very good reviews so it has always seemed to me that I ought to be offered some different parts. Now recently I auditioned for a Woody Allen role which was essentially Woody Allen playing himself and I must admit the guy they got did an excellent job – I would have had trouble exhibiting that overall incompetence for everyday life. So, disappointing but understandable.
Seeming change of subject here – I write a lot of fiction. You haven’t seen it since I don’t seem to finish a lot of it, though I’m thinking about a “companion” blog where I’d post my stories, mostly older stories. In any case, I almost always write from the bottom’s point of view. While I have two male-bottom pieces which, like I said, I haven’t finished (in one the gender was intended to be ambiguous but my native sexuality can through pretty clearly), that pretty much means that I’m writing with the main character being a woman. In fact, this has confused some people at some time, if my pen name is not gender-specific. I am aware of the reason I do this, it’s because, or mostly because, I’m not comfortable, usually, writing about how I topped a woman and especially not comfortable writing a string of stories about how I topped women, which may be why my party reports often never get finished.
I was having a vanilla discussion on script-writing and I was pointing out that the movie (or whatever) always sympathizes with the weaker character – or at least weaker most of the way through the movie, since they always end up on top. This is no huge realization. And I credit that to the fact that the viewer always relates to the weaker character, no matter how powerful the viewer actually is. A humorous take on this is the cell phone commercial where the president/ owner of the cell phone company talks to some young guy about “sticking it to The Man.” YG reminds him “but you ARE the man.” No matter, he relates to NOT being The Man.
Almost universally the character is the person not in power – the entire story is driven by the protagonist being blocked from what they want. This is because the audience does not feel in control. And this explains why I’m always cast as the villain, despite the frequent age disparities – because I come across as being in control in normal life, and this is emphasized on stage. I move with purpose, I probably stand up too straight and am too stiff; I speak clearly and loudly (less so for camera work) and I have a bad habit of, when I enunciate I clip my words, which sounds hostile – or certainly forceful. (Actually, it is fascinating to sit down and try to determine what exactly you need to do differently to portray a character much different from yourself). In fact, this realization is going to do me a lot of good since now I’ll find villain roles I like and audition for those.
It also helps explain why I, along with everyone else, am not satisfied with stories of unmitigated success (well, a certain number of real-life tales can be very interesting and entertaining) – so if I’m going to write any of these they should focus on the obstacles overcome, I suppose. I tried to think of what type of stories do have strong male leads, like action flicks, and I have played around some with a powerful private detective who, like an action hero, is opposed by many forces of evil (this bunch is humorous, okay?).
What’s unusual about this realization coming so late is that I tried stand-up comedy for awhile, and I have always known that the funniest target of a joke is yourself, and the best way to ruin a joke is with a smirky “I got the best in the end” twist. So why it took so long to realize this explicitly for fiction writing is something of a mystery, apart from my absolute absence of formal training.
Even while I’m writing this I’m imagining readers saying – comedy? that’s a joke, right? because my writing sounds so serious which is not how I am in person at all. So I guess the next post will have to be a little lighter.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Discpline and Punishment
So – discipline. I don't like to apply discipline and I prefer not to, if another, reasonable alternative can be found – but I do when I have to and I try to look at it as the hurts I'm protecting her from, this person who is important to me, are far greater than the pain I could ever give her.
For instance, I had a friend who got into the scene and got wilder and wilder – which I take as a pretty clear message that she's not feeling "looked after," that she wants to know where the boundaries are and who's going to do what about it. Well, as usually happens, one time she approached a boundary and ended up blowing so far past it… she and a friend were in a bar, maybe in a scene club, I don't really remember. For some reason – maybe the guy next to her had annoyed her and she wanted to make him feel bad, maybe, as I said, she was just feeling like it'd be a wild thing to do, she started flirting as deliberately as possible with some random guy across the bar. Soon they were on the dance floor, kissing. Next thing she knows, she's out the back door, pinned against a brick wall with the guy's hands inside her minimal clothes and no intention of slowing down. The good news is some guy walked by and when her would-be rapist backed off a bit, she shoved him off and escaped back inside the bar.
You can imagine how scared she was to tell me – not because of how I was going to punish her, obviously she deserved and needed that – because she was afraid I would tell her that her behavior had been so unacceptable that she had abdicated her position of someone I would be acquainted with. On the other hand, she was so just sick with fear and recriminations that basically she couldn't function and she couldn't very well continue to interact with me in any form without telling me. I have a hard time sitting in silence waiting for a woman to get herself ready to tell me what she has to tell me but eventually the whole story came out.
Other women I've known seldom do crazy things – their problems are usually a matter of not meeting their own high expectations with an endless series of little disappointments – and I've always found that these "chronic" troubles are very dangerous to criticize because it sounds much too much like you're disapproving of the person, not the action. And when they can't bring themselves to change these things, they can feel rejected or worse. But I don't often have to deal with "acute" offenses – these same women seldom do anything that's particularly bad for them.
Even though I prefer to avoid discipline, I do know what's needed, both in terms of lecture and physically. To make myself okay with the situation I described above, I kept telling her "this isn't hurting as much as three years of reconstructive surgery" (since the guy showed an inclination to brutalize her as well as violate her). I also said, once, when she hesitated to comply, that "this isn't as embarrassing as having to explain to your daughters how you got raped" (her daughters were teenagers at the time).
I tend to play with women I have some type of relationship with, more than casual meetings – in other words, a woman who knows and trusts me. I think that's why after we've played one or two times she will want to play very very hard. I have interpreted this as meaning that when she needs real punishment, I have to go way past that. Maybe this is a mistake because her reaction to punishment is always amazingly more sensitive than her reaction to even the hardest play. And no matter how hard a woman likes to play, I do have a few tools at my disposal that are safe but completely intolerable. I define "safe" as not breaking the skin, no chance of broken bones or some kind of deep bruising, and I try to avoid raising welts (I try to avoid purple marks, too, but not too successfully). So these extra tools, which see little play time, are frighteningly stingy. They work by producing an absolute panic, an uncontrollable need to get away which, when it can't be fulfilled, leads to a sense of true submission. Typically when true punishment is called for I require a woman to submit to a heavy paddling, strapping, or both and then take her over my knee for a long session with one of these painful little implements until she has to admit to herself that she really did do something wrong – not "scene," not role-play, but real life.
If the preparation is just a strapping I have her kneel on the couch with her face on the cushions, hips raised or supported by cushions (I do this because the edge of my bed is about waist-level, which is too high), so her arms have to either be out in front of her or tucked with her hands under her chin. The strap has two layers of very heavy leather, not doubled – I use the open end. I strap her pretty conventionally to a normal limit and then coach her through a few dozen more (I never seem to be satisfied with the count I promise her so it usually has to go over).
Then I move up along the couch until my leg is even with her face. By shifting a little she can press her shoulder against my leg and wrap her arm around my thigh or calf. At the same time, by keeping her feet back against the arm of the couch, I can make her keep her bottom raised. Also, like this, she can feel basically held in place (encouraged, actually) just from the touch of my hand on her lower back and the feel of my leg just above her hip.
With a wide stance and a little bit of reach, I can still generate a powerful swing either conventionally from the side or at a high angle – typically I don't use the strap over-the-top for serious work, though the paddle I have can be used quite well this way. This part of the session is extremely difficult but I completely believe that we manage to create a feeling that we're in this together. Emotionally, the penitent's emotional pain is increased by my remarks like the "this doesn't hurt as much as" one. She also hears a lot about how she has endangered someone very important to me – herself, which I make her acknowledge. Frequently she'll refuse or question this, looking for repeated reassurance – which costs her dearly but I suppose she must think it's worth it.
This isn't the first she's heard this, though. Before the first stroke lands, she has had to take some time out to rid herself of any resentment or argument. Not corner time, but alone time. If she has issues after fifteen minutes, we discuss the whole situation and she tries again. Before, during, or after this I tell her, as calmly as possible, what problems I have with all aspects of her behavior. I pretty much dismiss the possible physical damage – cars and other objects can always be fixed or replaced. Instead I start briefly on bodily dangers and then move into emotional, relationship issues – sometimes, for instance, temperamental behavior might be basically a rejection of me, which is not something she wants to do; irresponsible behavior that endangers herself is something of a rejection of everyone in her life, which is also not her intent.
When she has reasonable issues, we discuss them. When she has emotional issues I usually listen to them – to separate out the reasonable ones – and the invalid ones ("so-and-so did such-and-such and she doesn't get spanked" or "she did worse to me," etc.) she has to take the time to overcome. Once I had a scene that never got past this stage on the first attempt and we weren't going to see each other again for two weeks – still we waited and of course the next day she called to say she was ready and sorry I wasn't there.
In short, I don't do the angry spankings to make her see the errors of her ways. Women who need to play that way have to get that from someone else, if they can. Yes, it hurts me for her to have a need that I can't fill, but it would hurt me so much more to ever be wrong, even once. In almost everything else my philosophy is: accept the fact that you'll be wrong sometimes, people cannot reasonably expect anything else and both you and they have to be able to let it go. But I hedge my bets when it comes to driving and I don't take any chances at all when it comes to punishment. You can say that this means that I don't trust my partner to forgive me (for a bad or inappropriate scene) but it's the best I can do.
Going back to the corporal aspects, sometimes I use a different preparation: alternating the paddle and strap done over the back of the couch (or arm of the couch, depending on her height). I used to say that the strap was for "hot" offenses like temper and the paddle was for "cold" offenses like stubbornness but I've concluded that that just seemed like I was showing that I could get madder or more stubborn than she was. I don't want to give that impression, though I fear it is very much true – and probably apparent. Anyway.
In addition to having a heavy strap for such uses I have a paddle that's extremely difficult to endure. It started life as a cutting board and is made of thick, heavy, hardwood. Although it's not long like a frat paddle, it's fiddle-shaped which gives great both-cheek coverage and is so wide that it has incredible heft. I try to get a bent-over position that eliminates the bun-thigh crease so that the paddle is sure to land flat – this avoids those awful purple crescents high on the thigh where the edge came down on it. Since it was a cutting board it's polished smooth and has all rounded edges so a lot of the real danger has been removed, but it's still very clear how school vice-principals maintained order with just a few swats over clothes. My only complaint is that the handle is small and uncomfortable but I suppose if I ever got a better grip on it I'd make someone bite off her own tongue.
From all reports, the first school-style swat with this (school style minus the clothing, that is) completely clears your mind of all other thoughts, concerns, worries, regrets, misgivings, grudges… having admitted you need this has just become a very clear admission that you've done something seriously wrong and that you are in serious serious trouble. I think a first-timer might believe she can still survive this if I stop at six but has few misconceptions when the count heads for twelve. After only a dozen, usually, I switch back to the heavy strap which, even applied straight on (rather than downward), hits very hard. So there's two dozen of those.
At this point I do something that I know not everyone will agree with and some people will say disqualifies this as a punishment session but first of all, it's my show, and second of all, I've been there, the entire session works. So I stop and apply a thick layer of aloe vera gel. Yes, it feels good and alleviates the burning but she's still sore underneath and it protects the skin which is absolutely essential. I rub it in well and make sure there's no excess which I know feels good but otherwise, even this early on, she may have signs of drying, chaffing, and some small bruises (come to think of it maybe I should use it before we start).
Once this first step has been applied, I get out a small mister bottle – normally used for touching up hair-do's. Her bottom, still in the same over-the couch position, is thoroughly wetted and then soundly paddled with a short thick rubber paddle. For some reason the rubber paddle produces an entirely different kind of pain and after bracing for the power of the heavy paddle and heavy leather strap the super-stingy rubber comes as something like an electric shock. Probably its biggest contribution is that it shakes the body out of its resistance mode. If I've had some problems with this woman before (in terms of requiring a lot of punishment) I also have a version with holes in it.
The process is repeated – paddle, strap, lotion, water, rubber paddle – and then reversed. In this set-up, our connection is maintained not just through the two doses of gel but with a continued touch on the lower back. I try to keep my hip against hers as well unless I have to back up to swing harder.
As I mentioned earlier, the fiddle paddle can be used over-the-top from the opposite side – in fact, it's pretty ideal for it, well sized and shaped to match a normal derriere or with double swats on alternating sides for a larger lady. Because of this I may give the last application of the paddle over-the-top or apply it conventionally followed by over-the-top.
However I prepare the woman, it leaves her mentally spent and she requires something of a break. If I put her over my knee too immediately she feels savagely beaten; if I wait too long it might feel like play. And while the break may include a check to see if she's "all right" – still breathing, hasn't sprained her wrist or hit her head (weird things happen) – it does not include coddling of any kind. All of that can wait, in real time it will all be over in a few minutes anyway.
I prefer a certain position to punish a woman over my knee, if I can get it, when I expect that she'll instinctively fight. She does this despite my telling her that her struggles are a silent (ha!) argument against what I am doing while it is only what she has made me do. I sit on the edge of the low couch so that one thigh is straight out and flat while the other points out to the side. I have her bend over my one thigh and put her elbows on the floor, then I lift my foot over at least one of her calves. Regardless of what's been done or said before, it is impossible to be in this position without clearly realizing that you've done something very wrong and you're now definitely going to be well punished for it.
As I arrange her over my knee, trying to do so without inflicting incidental punishment, my attitude has moved all the farther from personal anger, annoyance, or hurt to entirely disappointment and regret at what lies ahead. I remind her that I don't want to be punishing her this time and I definitely don't want to ever have to do it worse (which is entirely true). That her inconsiderate actions are making me do something that I dislike and find difficult. That I'm willing to do this for her if this is what it takes to protect her but I certainly don't like it. I think she needs to recognize this for what it is – an imposition on me when we could be pursuing much more pleasant and playful activities which we will now have to forego.
As I said in the beginning, I have two tools for this punishment – both light and both intolerable. Actually both are also rather quiet so if you can dispense with the preparation you could execute this portion without too much sound privacy. The first tool is a small rubber flogger, three loops of rubber with a surprisingly heavy feel despite having little lasting effect. Swatted it is difficult to take, snapped it is impossible. The second is an extra-soft, light doubled cane – rattan formed into a tight loop on the end which eliminates a lot of its flex.
Either of these implements produces a feeling of absolute panic – a feeling of real danger, an impression that real injury is occurring and accumulating. After surprisingly little of this, even the most docile, accepting transgressor has a natural flight response, which is completely nullified by the position she finds herself in.
In contrast, I can proceed with complete calm. Being able to be rational and being able to see what effect I'm having on her poor bottom, I don't have to worry that I am shredding her skin down to the bone even though it feels that way to her. Her side and hip are against my stomach, my foot and ankle are right in front of her where she can hold me for (emotional) support, and I have one hand free to keep her steady or trap a wayward hand.
There's another reason for my calm – I can work these tools rapidly to good effect virtually without effort, allowing me to completely focus on what I'm saying and on being heard. As she protests I tell her that this is what she asked for when she behaved the way she did, that this is what happens to young ladies who hurt others' feelings or don't take care of themselves, that this is a short, minor unpleasantness compared to the other possible consequences.
It's usually when she takes exception to the word "unpleasant" that I come down on her with the full force of what might have happened – she might have been hurt, she might have hurt someone else, she may have lost many friends, she may have lost me as a friend. I list them off once and then go back through one at a time – "did you want to be hurt?" If she says "I don't care" then she has no complaint about what I'm doing, does she? When I get to our relationship – did she want to lose me; does she know how hurt I'd be; does she know how important she is to me – since she certainly has not been acting like it; does she know how hurt I am that she'd take such a chance; can she blame me for trying to prevent it? I have never once had a partner oppose me for spanking her to protect our relationship.
Once the tears start flowing they're not too likely to stop, so I can switch to hand-spanking at any time. Instantly the sting stops and the smacks drive it out all the more but emotionally the cleansing goes on. I encourage it, telling her to get it all out, let it all go; that she's getting just what she needs, how good this is for her. As long as I keep it firm it doesn't have to be hard and by the time it's over we're both ready for it to be.
Then, as she kneels and turns into me for a hug, the healing and recovery can begin, right? Well, I like to think that it starts a long time before that – maybe as far back as when she decides she's going to tell me what she's done. But whenever it starts, this is it in full force – I get her to promise to take better care of herself, to be more careful, that I'll help take care of her, that we'll stop worrying about this and put it behind us, that she'll ask for help when she needs it because I know she'd help me if I needed her to. That she's really a good girl and things will be better in the future, even if it's a slow process. If there's anything she doesn't want to completely agree with, she can go back over my knee – and I'd probably do it, too, since I don't really think that this phase provides much lasting physical discomfort. But then again, it's never come up.
When you read this, it sounds brutally harsh. Honestly, she winds up in something of a daze and will be sore for days – and worries that she looks awful, though a self-conscious smile can make any face beautiful. She's taken far more spanking than any non-scene person would receive for any offense and I'd go so far as to say that it might be too much for another scene person who didn't know me as well and wasn't as accustomed to me (or basically didn't have the level of trust in me) – but all of these factors are considerations I make. We've tried different ways and some felt inadequate while others felt too harsh, even if it was actually lighter. Really, most often the hardest part is letting her leave afterward.
For instance, I had a friend who got into the scene and got wilder and wilder – which I take as a pretty clear message that she's not feeling "looked after," that she wants to know where the boundaries are and who's going to do what about it. Well, as usually happens, one time she approached a boundary and ended up blowing so far past it… she and a friend were in a bar, maybe in a scene club, I don't really remember. For some reason – maybe the guy next to her had annoyed her and she wanted to make him feel bad, maybe, as I said, she was just feeling like it'd be a wild thing to do, she started flirting as deliberately as possible with some random guy across the bar. Soon they were on the dance floor, kissing. Next thing she knows, she's out the back door, pinned against a brick wall with the guy's hands inside her minimal clothes and no intention of slowing down. The good news is some guy walked by and when her would-be rapist backed off a bit, she shoved him off and escaped back inside the bar.
You can imagine how scared she was to tell me – not because of how I was going to punish her, obviously she deserved and needed that – because she was afraid I would tell her that her behavior had been so unacceptable that she had abdicated her position of someone I would be acquainted with. On the other hand, she was so just sick with fear and recriminations that basically she couldn't function and she couldn't very well continue to interact with me in any form without telling me. I have a hard time sitting in silence waiting for a woman to get herself ready to tell me what she has to tell me but eventually the whole story came out.
Other women I've known seldom do crazy things – their problems are usually a matter of not meeting their own high expectations with an endless series of little disappointments – and I've always found that these "chronic" troubles are very dangerous to criticize because it sounds much too much like you're disapproving of the person, not the action. And when they can't bring themselves to change these things, they can feel rejected or worse. But I don't often have to deal with "acute" offenses – these same women seldom do anything that's particularly bad for them.
Even though I prefer to avoid discipline, I do know what's needed, both in terms of lecture and physically. To make myself okay with the situation I described above, I kept telling her "this isn't hurting as much as three years of reconstructive surgery" (since the guy showed an inclination to brutalize her as well as violate her). I also said, once, when she hesitated to comply, that "this isn't as embarrassing as having to explain to your daughters how you got raped" (her daughters were teenagers at the time).
I tend to play with women I have some type of relationship with, more than casual meetings – in other words, a woman who knows and trusts me. I think that's why after we've played one or two times she will want to play very very hard. I have interpreted this as meaning that when she needs real punishment, I have to go way past that. Maybe this is a mistake because her reaction to punishment is always amazingly more sensitive than her reaction to even the hardest play. And no matter how hard a woman likes to play, I do have a few tools at my disposal that are safe but completely intolerable. I define "safe" as not breaking the skin, no chance of broken bones or some kind of deep bruising, and I try to avoid raising welts (I try to avoid purple marks, too, but not too successfully). So these extra tools, which see little play time, are frighteningly stingy. They work by producing an absolute panic, an uncontrollable need to get away which, when it can't be fulfilled, leads to a sense of true submission. Typically when true punishment is called for I require a woman to submit to a heavy paddling, strapping, or both and then take her over my knee for a long session with one of these painful little implements until she has to admit to herself that she really did do something wrong – not "scene," not role-play, but real life.
If the preparation is just a strapping I have her kneel on the couch with her face on the cushions, hips raised or supported by cushions (I do this because the edge of my bed is about waist-level, which is too high), so her arms have to either be out in front of her or tucked with her hands under her chin. The strap has two layers of very heavy leather, not doubled – I use the open end. I strap her pretty conventionally to a normal limit and then coach her through a few dozen more (I never seem to be satisfied with the count I promise her so it usually has to go over).
Then I move up along the couch until my leg is even with her face. By shifting a little she can press her shoulder against my leg and wrap her arm around my thigh or calf. At the same time, by keeping her feet back against the arm of the couch, I can make her keep her bottom raised. Also, like this, she can feel basically held in place (encouraged, actually) just from the touch of my hand on her lower back and the feel of my leg just above her hip.
With a wide stance and a little bit of reach, I can still generate a powerful swing either conventionally from the side or at a high angle – typically I don't use the strap over-the-top for serious work, though the paddle I have can be used quite well this way. This part of the session is extremely difficult but I completely believe that we manage to create a feeling that we're in this together. Emotionally, the penitent's emotional pain is increased by my remarks like the "this doesn't hurt as much as" one. She also hears a lot about how she has endangered someone very important to me – herself, which I make her acknowledge. Frequently she'll refuse or question this, looking for repeated reassurance – which costs her dearly but I suppose she must think it's worth it.
This isn't the first she's heard this, though. Before the first stroke lands, she has had to take some time out to rid herself of any resentment or argument. Not corner time, but alone time. If she has issues after fifteen minutes, we discuss the whole situation and she tries again. Before, during, or after this I tell her, as calmly as possible, what problems I have with all aspects of her behavior. I pretty much dismiss the possible physical damage – cars and other objects can always be fixed or replaced. Instead I start briefly on bodily dangers and then move into emotional, relationship issues – sometimes, for instance, temperamental behavior might be basically a rejection of me, which is not something she wants to do; irresponsible behavior that endangers herself is something of a rejection of everyone in her life, which is also not her intent.
When she has reasonable issues, we discuss them. When she has emotional issues I usually listen to them – to separate out the reasonable ones – and the invalid ones ("so-and-so did such-and-such and she doesn't get spanked" or "she did worse to me," etc.) she has to take the time to overcome. Once I had a scene that never got past this stage on the first attempt and we weren't going to see each other again for two weeks – still we waited and of course the next day she called to say she was ready and sorry I wasn't there.
In short, I don't do the angry spankings to make her see the errors of her ways. Women who need to play that way have to get that from someone else, if they can. Yes, it hurts me for her to have a need that I can't fill, but it would hurt me so much more to ever be wrong, even once. In almost everything else my philosophy is: accept the fact that you'll be wrong sometimes, people cannot reasonably expect anything else and both you and they have to be able to let it go. But I hedge my bets when it comes to driving and I don't take any chances at all when it comes to punishment. You can say that this means that I don't trust my partner to forgive me (for a bad or inappropriate scene) but it's the best I can do.
Going back to the corporal aspects, sometimes I use a different preparation: alternating the paddle and strap done over the back of the couch (or arm of the couch, depending on her height). I used to say that the strap was for "hot" offenses like temper and the paddle was for "cold" offenses like stubbornness but I've concluded that that just seemed like I was showing that I could get madder or more stubborn than she was. I don't want to give that impression, though I fear it is very much true – and probably apparent. Anyway.
In addition to having a heavy strap for such uses I have a paddle that's extremely difficult to endure. It started life as a cutting board and is made of thick, heavy, hardwood. Although it's not long like a frat paddle, it's fiddle-shaped which gives great both-cheek coverage and is so wide that it has incredible heft. I try to get a bent-over position that eliminates the bun-thigh crease so that the paddle is sure to land flat – this avoids those awful purple crescents high on the thigh where the edge came down on it. Since it was a cutting board it's polished smooth and has all rounded edges so a lot of the real danger has been removed, but it's still very clear how school vice-principals maintained order with just a few swats over clothes. My only complaint is that the handle is small and uncomfortable but I suppose if I ever got a better grip on it I'd make someone bite off her own tongue.
From all reports, the first school-style swat with this (school style minus the clothing, that is) completely clears your mind of all other thoughts, concerns, worries, regrets, misgivings, grudges… having admitted you need this has just become a very clear admission that you've done something seriously wrong and that you are in serious serious trouble. I think a first-timer might believe she can still survive this if I stop at six but has few misconceptions when the count heads for twelve. After only a dozen, usually, I switch back to the heavy strap which, even applied straight on (rather than downward), hits very hard. So there's two dozen of those.
At this point I do something that I know not everyone will agree with and some people will say disqualifies this as a punishment session but first of all, it's my show, and second of all, I've been there, the entire session works. So I stop and apply a thick layer of aloe vera gel. Yes, it feels good and alleviates the burning but she's still sore underneath and it protects the skin which is absolutely essential. I rub it in well and make sure there's no excess which I know feels good but otherwise, even this early on, she may have signs of drying, chaffing, and some small bruises (come to think of it maybe I should use it before we start).
Once this first step has been applied, I get out a small mister bottle – normally used for touching up hair-do's. Her bottom, still in the same over-the couch position, is thoroughly wetted and then soundly paddled with a short thick rubber paddle. For some reason the rubber paddle produces an entirely different kind of pain and after bracing for the power of the heavy paddle and heavy leather strap the super-stingy rubber comes as something like an electric shock. Probably its biggest contribution is that it shakes the body out of its resistance mode. If I've had some problems with this woman before (in terms of requiring a lot of punishment) I also have a version with holes in it.
The process is repeated – paddle, strap, lotion, water, rubber paddle – and then reversed. In this set-up, our connection is maintained not just through the two doses of gel but with a continued touch on the lower back. I try to keep my hip against hers as well unless I have to back up to swing harder.
As I mentioned earlier, the fiddle paddle can be used over-the-top from the opposite side – in fact, it's pretty ideal for it, well sized and shaped to match a normal derriere or with double swats on alternating sides for a larger lady. Because of this I may give the last application of the paddle over-the-top or apply it conventionally followed by over-the-top.
However I prepare the woman, it leaves her mentally spent and she requires something of a break. If I put her over my knee too immediately she feels savagely beaten; if I wait too long it might feel like play. And while the break may include a check to see if she's "all right" – still breathing, hasn't sprained her wrist or hit her head (weird things happen) – it does not include coddling of any kind. All of that can wait, in real time it will all be over in a few minutes anyway.
I prefer a certain position to punish a woman over my knee, if I can get it, when I expect that she'll instinctively fight. She does this despite my telling her that her struggles are a silent (ha!) argument against what I am doing while it is only what she has made me do. I sit on the edge of the low couch so that one thigh is straight out and flat while the other points out to the side. I have her bend over my one thigh and put her elbows on the floor, then I lift my foot over at least one of her calves. Regardless of what's been done or said before, it is impossible to be in this position without clearly realizing that you've done something very wrong and you're now definitely going to be well punished for it.
As I arrange her over my knee, trying to do so without inflicting incidental punishment, my attitude has moved all the farther from personal anger, annoyance, or hurt to entirely disappointment and regret at what lies ahead. I remind her that I don't want to be punishing her this time and I definitely don't want to ever have to do it worse (which is entirely true). That her inconsiderate actions are making me do something that I dislike and find difficult. That I'm willing to do this for her if this is what it takes to protect her but I certainly don't like it. I think she needs to recognize this for what it is – an imposition on me when we could be pursuing much more pleasant and playful activities which we will now have to forego.
As I said in the beginning, I have two tools for this punishment – both light and both intolerable. Actually both are also rather quiet so if you can dispense with the preparation you could execute this portion without too much sound privacy. The first tool is a small rubber flogger, three loops of rubber with a surprisingly heavy feel despite having little lasting effect. Swatted it is difficult to take, snapped it is impossible. The second is an extra-soft, light doubled cane – rattan formed into a tight loop on the end which eliminates a lot of its flex.
Either of these implements produces a feeling of absolute panic – a feeling of real danger, an impression that real injury is occurring and accumulating. After surprisingly little of this, even the most docile, accepting transgressor has a natural flight response, which is completely nullified by the position she finds herself in.
In contrast, I can proceed with complete calm. Being able to be rational and being able to see what effect I'm having on her poor bottom, I don't have to worry that I am shredding her skin down to the bone even though it feels that way to her. Her side and hip are against my stomach, my foot and ankle are right in front of her where she can hold me for (emotional) support, and I have one hand free to keep her steady or trap a wayward hand.
There's another reason for my calm – I can work these tools rapidly to good effect virtually without effort, allowing me to completely focus on what I'm saying and on being heard. As she protests I tell her that this is what she asked for when she behaved the way she did, that this is what happens to young ladies who hurt others' feelings or don't take care of themselves, that this is a short, minor unpleasantness compared to the other possible consequences.
It's usually when she takes exception to the word "unpleasant" that I come down on her with the full force of what might have happened – she might have been hurt, she might have hurt someone else, she may have lost many friends, she may have lost me as a friend. I list them off once and then go back through one at a time – "did you want to be hurt?" If she says "I don't care" then she has no complaint about what I'm doing, does she? When I get to our relationship – did she want to lose me; does she know how hurt I'd be; does she know how important she is to me – since she certainly has not been acting like it; does she know how hurt I am that she'd take such a chance; can she blame me for trying to prevent it? I have never once had a partner oppose me for spanking her to protect our relationship.
Once the tears start flowing they're not too likely to stop, so I can switch to hand-spanking at any time. Instantly the sting stops and the smacks drive it out all the more but emotionally the cleansing goes on. I encourage it, telling her to get it all out, let it all go; that she's getting just what she needs, how good this is for her. As long as I keep it firm it doesn't have to be hard and by the time it's over we're both ready for it to be.
Then, as she kneels and turns into me for a hug, the healing and recovery can begin, right? Well, I like to think that it starts a long time before that – maybe as far back as when she decides she's going to tell me what she's done. But whenever it starts, this is it in full force – I get her to promise to take better care of herself, to be more careful, that I'll help take care of her, that we'll stop worrying about this and put it behind us, that she'll ask for help when she needs it because I know she'd help me if I needed her to. That she's really a good girl and things will be better in the future, even if it's a slow process. If there's anything she doesn't want to completely agree with, she can go back over my knee – and I'd probably do it, too, since I don't really think that this phase provides much lasting physical discomfort. But then again, it's never come up.
When you read this, it sounds brutally harsh. Honestly, she winds up in something of a daze and will be sore for days – and worries that she looks awful, though a self-conscious smile can make any face beautiful. She's taken far more spanking than any non-scene person would receive for any offense and I'd go so far as to say that it might be too much for another scene person who didn't know me as well and wasn't as accustomed to me (or basically didn't have the level of trust in me) – but all of these factors are considerations I make. We've tried different ways and some felt inadequate while others felt too harsh, even if it was actually lighter. Really, most often the hardest part is letting her leave afterward.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
One Support System I've Tried
The System
A friend of mine was having some trouble and we got together to discuss a system to help her keep up with the activities she was interested in. I thought I would post them here in case someone wanted to design their own system along these lines.
At the time my friend was having trouble staying away from her on-line role-playing game (non-scene) long enough to pay proper attention to her dog, get enough exercise, clean, or socialize – all activities that actively fight depression. Other times she was sleeping too much rather than doing what she should, and on top of that she wanted to be focusing on her writing, which she was not. Initially we discussed some savings and money management issues but she felt she had that pretty well under control. After discussing her goals and challenges with her, I proposed the following standards.
The standards work on a points system.
Standards:
Activity with your dog – once per day for at least 20 minutes. The first miss is -1 point.
“Raw” Writing – at least four separate days per week for at least 1 hour at a time; at least twice between Monday and Thursday Editing, revising, researching, etc. is extra. The first missed session is -1 point. No credit for partial hours.
Exercise: 5 standard (20-30 min) workouts per week; at least three during M-Th. -1 point for the first missed workout.
Cleaning, including laundry – at least 8 hours per week (she said she needed this many to catch up), at least 5 done before any gaming on Saturday or Sunday. The first hour missed is -1 point.
Socializing – attend 1 regular event with other people per month; get together with friends (other than me) at least three times per month. Each week that an event is missed is -2 points.
Punctuality: on-time. The first time you’re late is -1 point per twenty minutes late or fraction thereof. Driving aggressively because you’re late is -2 points for the first instance.
Gaming – no more than 3 hours per weeknight, 12 hours total M-F, 4 hours per weekend day; 8 hours total Sat-Sunday. Total allowance is less one hour per point from the previous week. The first over-playing incident is -0.5 points per hour or fraction thereof.
Sleeping: no more than 10 hours per day and 63 hours per week spent in bed. First incident is -0.5 points per hour or fraction thereof.
Multiple Instances - the penalties listed are for the first instance in each category each week. A second instance in the same category and week carries 2X the penalty; a third instance 3X, etc.
Allowance – you have an allowance of five points per week – there will be no penalty for the first five points.
“Offset” points – you can earn offset points to reduce your penalty. One full hour spent with the dog, writing, or cleaning will offset one gaming session of up to two hours. One additional workout will offset one session of up to 1 hour of gaming time. No credit for partial hours with the dog, writing, or cleaning. No credit for extra socializing time.
Gaming Budget Reductions – The initial gaming budget is as high as 20 hours per week, if used properly. However, every point earned in the current week reduces the next week’s total gaming time by 1 hour.
Classes can count as one social activity per month. Class standards: every assignment must be completed, turned in, and graded B or higher. (-1 point per letter grade below B, missed assignments scored as “F”). Every class must be attended (-1 point per hour for first class missed). Final course grade must be an A (her standard) (-1 point per letter grade below A per week of the course)
The Other Half
As far as the consequences behind all of these rules, here's what I told her:
Now that we’ve set up the standards that you're expected to meet I’ll describe the other half of the system, where we deal with cases of you exceeding your points allowance.
We will get together every two weeks but only address your behavior vs. expectations once per month, leaving every second get-together to do what we want.
We’ll run a Saturday-to-Friday review to accommodate weekend meetings. For two weeks after the review you will still need to track your behavior but I do not expect you to exceed your allowance – if you do we may need to change the system. It’s during the second two weeks of the four week cycle when you may have problems. Even then you should be able to keep under the allowance if you only miss one event in each of several categories.
If you’re not over your allowance for either week, you can choose to be spanked or not – whichever you think will do you the most good.
I expect most weeks to be zero, one, or two points over, especially if the discipline is effective. I will be glad, rather than disappointed, if you meet expectations every time – it will mean your life is in good shape, not that the expectations are too low. For the weeks when you exceed your allowance, however, you’ll have to be spanked and then punished.
Since you like spanking – at least to some extent – you have to get your fill of that first before anything could be applied that would serve as a deterrent. This will consist of a thorough spanking applied with some of the more tolerable implements – hand and leather-backed tools, mostly. We may find that we have to apply one, wait for your desire to rise again, and apply a second one – and so on until you’ve had your fill. Then you’ll be ready to be disciplined.
In this way the penalty for each point can be significant and can serve as a true motivation when you are considering meeting your standards or letting something slide.
I have an offset billet strap just for this purpose. It’s almost two inches wide and very heavy leather, 18 inches long when doubled. The tails end will be most effective, even though they are on top of one another, not side-by-side. I know just one tail would have more sting but the two together will be felt the longest.
Once you’re adequately prepared you’ll bend over to be punished for each point at ten strokes apiece. If you have excessive points in both weeks we will deal with the earlier week, give you a break, then account for the second week.
This sounds severe – it is and it is intended to be. One point per week, or two points in one week and none in the second, should be difficult but bearable; two points per week should be daunting.
My intention is that the punishment for each point over your allowance will be a significant deterrent and that you will choose to meet the standards, even at some inconvenience, rather than accepting falling even a point or two short – and that if you are falling short, you make a intentional, concerted effort to catch up or, at the very least, avoid even one additional point and the associated additional punishment.
The system has three strengths: clearly defined and achievable standards and consequences; a framework that fulfills any need for recreational spanking; and a strong disincentive to fall below the standards you have agreed to. In this way, I’m hoping that it will make it easy for you to have the structure you need and achieve what you want without the pressure of unreasonable expectations.
A friend of mine was having some trouble and we got together to discuss a system to help her keep up with the activities she was interested in. I thought I would post them here in case someone wanted to design their own system along these lines.
At the time my friend was having trouble staying away from her on-line role-playing game (non-scene) long enough to pay proper attention to her dog, get enough exercise, clean, or socialize – all activities that actively fight depression. Other times she was sleeping too much rather than doing what she should, and on top of that she wanted to be focusing on her writing, which she was not. Initially we discussed some savings and money management issues but she felt she had that pretty well under control. After discussing her goals and challenges with her, I proposed the following standards.
The standards work on a points system.
Standards:
Activity with your dog – once per day for at least 20 minutes. The first miss is -1 point.
“Raw” Writing – at least four separate days per week for at least 1 hour at a time; at least twice between Monday and Thursday Editing, revising, researching, etc. is extra. The first missed session is -1 point. No credit for partial hours.
Exercise: 5 standard (20-30 min) workouts per week; at least three during M-Th. -1 point for the first missed workout.
Cleaning, including laundry – at least 8 hours per week (she said she needed this many to catch up), at least 5 done before any gaming on Saturday or Sunday. The first hour missed is -1 point.
Socializing – attend 1 regular event with other people per month; get together with friends (other than me) at least three times per month. Each week that an event is missed is -2 points.
Punctuality: on-time. The first time you’re late is -1 point per twenty minutes late or fraction thereof. Driving aggressively because you’re late is -2 points for the first instance.
Gaming – no more than 3 hours per weeknight, 12 hours total M-F, 4 hours per weekend day; 8 hours total Sat-Sunday. Total allowance is less one hour per point from the previous week. The first over-playing incident is -0.5 points per hour or fraction thereof.
Sleeping: no more than 10 hours per day and 63 hours per week spent in bed. First incident is -0.5 points per hour or fraction thereof.
Multiple Instances - the penalties listed are for the first instance in each category each week. A second instance in the same category and week carries 2X the penalty; a third instance 3X, etc.
Allowance – you have an allowance of five points per week – there will be no penalty for the first five points.
“Offset” points – you can earn offset points to reduce your penalty. One full hour spent with the dog, writing, or cleaning will offset one gaming session of up to two hours. One additional workout will offset one session of up to 1 hour of gaming time. No credit for partial hours with the dog, writing, or cleaning. No credit for extra socializing time.
Gaming Budget Reductions – The initial gaming budget is as high as 20 hours per week, if used properly. However, every point earned in the current week reduces the next week’s total gaming time by 1 hour.
Classes can count as one social activity per month. Class standards: every assignment must be completed, turned in, and graded B or higher. (-1 point per letter grade below B, missed assignments scored as “F”). Every class must be attended (-1 point per hour for first class missed). Final course grade must be an A (her standard) (-1 point per letter grade below A per week of the course)
The Other Half
As far as the consequences behind all of these rules, here's what I told her:
Now that we’ve set up the standards that you're expected to meet I’ll describe the other half of the system, where we deal with cases of you exceeding your points allowance.
We will get together every two weeks but only address your behavior vs. expectations once per month, leaving every second get-together to do what we want.
We’ll run a Saturday-to-Friday review to accommodate weekend meetings. For two weeks after the review you will still need to track your behavior but I do not expect you to exceed your allowance – if you do we may need to change the system. It’s during the second two weeks of the four week cycle when you may have problems. Even then you should be able to keep under the allowance if you only miss one event in each of several categories.
If you’re not over your allowance for either week, you can choose to be spanked or not – whichever you think will do you the most good.
I expect most weeks to be zero, one, or two points over, especially if the discipline is effective. I will be glad, rather than disappointed, if you meet expectations every time – it will mean your life is in good shape, not that the expectations are too low. For the weeks when you exceed your allowance, however, you’ll have to be spanked and then punished.
Since you like spanking – at least to some extent – you have to get your fill of that first before anything could be applied that would serve as a deterrent. This will consist of a thorough spanking applied with some of the more tolerable implements – hand and leather-backed tools, mostly. We may find that we have to apply one, wait for your desire to rise again, and apply a second one – and so on until you’ve had your fill. Then you’ll be ready to be disciplined.
In this way the penalty for each point can be significant and can serve as a true motivation when you are considering meeting your standards or letting something slide.
I have an offset billet strap just for this purpose. It’s almost two inches wide and very heavy leather, 18 inches long when doubled. The tails end will be most effective, even though they are on top of one another, not side-by-side. I know just one tail would have more sting but the two together will be felt the longest.
Once you’re adequately prepared you’ll bend over to be punished for each point at ten strokes apiece. If you have excessive points in both weeks we will deal with the earlier week, give you a break, then account for the second week.
This sounds severe – it is and it is intended to be. One point per week, or two points in one week and none in the second, should be difficult but bearable; two points per week should be daunting.
My intention is that the punishment for each point over your allowance will be a significant deterrent and that you will choose to meet the standards, even at some inconvenience, rather than accepting falling even a point or two short – and that if you are falling short, you make a intentional, concerted effort to catch up or, at the very least, avoid even one additional point and the associated additional punishment.
The system has three strengths: clearly defined and achievable standards and consequences; a framework that fulfills any need for recreational spanking; and a strong disincentive to fall below the standards you have agreed to. In this way, I’m hoping that it will make it easy for you to have the structure you need and achieve what you want without the pressure of unreasonable expectations.
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